November to December
Sometimes when I drink tea after smoking a cigarette I have a rush off thoughts of deep fulfillment and optimism. It makes me excited and for some odd reason the feeling is starting to intensify.
There is no where to go but up from here.
Pen rolls off the counter into your hand or into the arches underneath the chair. Into the divots of the couch and into the springs. A black pen. A regular pen. Dogs don’t mind being outside. I think many times they prefer it. Me too.
Buzzer fly, Radio Weever.
I got a tor browser and went on the dark net just for shits and giggles. Sandwich bags full of heroine… interesting. Maybe I shouldn’t write about this so I can order some crack from a vendor in Canada. It's the eBay of drugs! I guess I would have to invest in Bit coins. But I don't do hard drugs. The trick is; stick to weed. The other drugs are for the oddities, the rare moments when we get to moderate moderation just to prove what moderation truly is.
Everything in moderation, even moderation’. Intelligence is the desire instilled by good practices to explore and interact beneficially with the world around you. To learn how to interact with your surroundings without killing it or ignoring it, to think it and eat it. To do this you really have to care. And caring is hard to do when you let your self feel the bumps.
It’s weird how you can spend so much time in the same vicinity as another, in the same group, the same tribe and never hardly talk but find complete happiness just existing with in that family of mutual vibrations, moving around the house like high and low pressure systems to release the tension.
With out that purpose to just float with in that structure that we all once had, I am going to need to find something else to care about. Every thing I was doing outside of that weird magic bubble was only a diversion to my long term plan of being part of that team.
Now, I’m at an outpost and everything seams so dull. I feel like I am benched for the season waiting to be drafted into some other team, and that it is inevitable that somehow the bumps are going to happen. We went straight in to the waves, straight for the money, then just decided that it was stupid to try to make a team with the something that we had.
So now I don't really feel like I have a team to hunt and provide for and work with to create a family inside. I still haven’t given up on the last relationship and the extended family that surrounds me both physically spiritually and mentally every day. Its like; don't worry Aaron, we can still be friends. But when we all go on vacation, u gotta do your own thing. That is not a gang.
Its weird how one person can change the entire dynamic of a entire group thus undoubtably and in a semi big way, change the coarse of history and the possibilities for the future for everybody. Just by something super simple.
There are different groups in the city and in the country, some groups I get along with or feel safer around. The ones I feel safest with, are off limits and sectioned off to me at most times for one reason or another.
Heres a question:
If you had a pool of peoples consciousness’s that were taken from bodies prematurely.
If their lives were cut short, because they were being hunted in a hopeless situation and rescued by space people then preserved in some sort of weird dream state then were and moved to inhabit other peoples bodies to control...
Could they put the mind of black girl with black girl DNA into a white girls body and no one would know? If that were the case would she still consider her self black?
Maybe soon civil war will break out. I guess it already did.
If I am going to be a father* and she is having an abortion the day after tomorrow, it's a ‘catch 22’, what whatever that means.
They asked him before he came in, What do you want our super power to be? There as a vast list of options; night vision, time travel and flight, electronics, instant body consciousness relocation and many more; He chose warm feet.
They asked him where he wanted to live. He chose a tall house with a a tall turret and a large fire place. He was never cold. It made reading and watching movies so much better. Not to mention not dying of hypothermia, it made that easier too.
Somehow this dude and me met up and became good friends. I fell in love with his sister. She has certain super powers too.
But then I started dating this other girl who spoke to me through whispers and brought me to far away lands I had never scene before: back yard, bed, kitchen, basement, tent and forest.
I wonder how it all works. Maybe at least, sometime she’s a witch, sometimes she’s dead and I can’t see her, or maybe she is only a whisper inside. I can’t seam to figure out where the singing is coming from but I think they might be the same people.
I have been chasing it all over the city for over 6 years maybe longer, and now have gone across the world and all over the country to end up all the way back exactly where I started, except this time, I’m on the bottom of a un attackable mountain summit with a girl who I'm pretty sure could potentially be black.
I might need a space suit. Until then I heal and sit and pout and beg like a silly little puppy. I can feel some sort of release in the air. Its exciting. I have waited a long time for this.
Its either that or move to Guatemala.
Knife by the window sill machete next to the bed, Our intersection is like a break wall in the ocean protecting the bay of resurrection.
Sleeping in a cold room.
Slide into the future.
Back from the dead. Knowing how to write.
Maybe I should cut my hair. This seams like a battle I must have lost. Ill give it a little time but when I’m ready. I gotta cut this shit because after this, there is seriously nothing left for me to hunt for here and I may die of uselessness.
Trenches between me and anything that could ever give me or the world I'm in a purpose beyond that of making money and integrating into a society of propaganda propped up a by a broken social system owned by monopolies of hate and sex scandals.
Letter to puppy
Whats up with the insane indoctrination of religion in this society and why is there so much gruesome torture in all the movies and TV shows. I’m not scared of it, just saying, is that all we can come up with to keep us occupied?
If all we are is structured atoms fighting to work inside the draw bridges of time, why are we so actively avoiding the expanding the conscious construction of function in our country?
Joy brings more energy than hate. Red light dissipates in sun like a vampire. Darkness does not drive out darkness.
I did myself, together it seams like that they all have gone. It might be that after I published this stuff that is happened... Maybe earlier. I pushed myself into the ‘no fly list’ or something.
In boarding school, they have a rule; if you see someone do something they are not supposed to do and you don’t tell on them, you get the same punishment they will get That is their culture. They work together to enforce their elitism. If you talk, it is in all of their best interests to crush you.
‘The best way to improve your odds of survival is to know the map’… our something like that.
I wish I had the map the map for beyond just the physical layout.
The idea factory, in Liberty Pole, WI, Vernon county will be the least place on this continent with fresh water after the future war or resources. Science it. I did. We could start a town there together and save the galaxy by making it a useable place in the future when everything erodes into the ocean and the aquifers and rivers are too polluted to drink.
I have had a lot of time to think. It would help me to be able to see a further time line, but in my situation I can't. It is a very similar situation that we are in as a over arching world.
When it seams my whole life is some insane massive universe game like a job as an actor, my role becomes who I am.
It’s Nice to hear people reference the existence of the things I have been experiencing or at least the general nod to let me know I’m not going totally crazy. On what ever that level that is, it is important.
Note to space people:
Five things you can do to improve your day as a human
1. Smoke joint before breakfast.
2. Cum Daily
3. Hot showers to get cher blood circulation going.
4. Stretch every night, morning or when you are bored or nervous.
Most types of breakfast food have eggs in them. It would be cool if a nice sushi restaurant was open 6am-noon only.
It’s like I am in a long tube and I can’t get out or everyone dies. Everyone.
Now what? Now we break up?, now we don’t? Is it the same girl that I’m going to break up with that I am going to be with?
I had already experienced having an abortion with a girl I was with once. And yet another time, a girl I was with got pregnant and we didn’t know if it was mine or not until it was born and given up for adoption. It wasn't. To actively be a apart of the process of deciding the fate of something that could be yours, but is not your choice, you have to care but you can't act. But when you care about something like that, it can be a hard thing not to act.
Those were different times. I just went through that again. Not having any control. Not like I expect any one to have pity on me. At this point in my life I’m just trying to find a solid weed connect. I have no tribe. I have no future family now.
Or do I?
I think like black culture for the same reason have a thing for girls with brothers. They work together providing a safe place for their ladies to grow. Maybe at least.
But it's not like like I think a woman couldn't kick my ass.
No one seams to want to utilize or be a part of the community we have tried to be a part of and create. They want to do their own thing. I feel used. Little 3 - 20 month relationships that seemingly conclude with me being off limits for some reason or another and we have to move apart. I hardly even get to break up, we both know it is over before it happens. Like periods in a sentence, the paragraph is still going, but the sentence that was being written is dead. Soon after comes the next paragraph with a subject change.
Why else not to do what, this time, we talked about trying to do;
If it gets really bad. They have someone call me on the phone.
On another note I seriously cannot imagine what the feeling of stimulation that comes from a woman’s organum. Having a dick is weird I guess.
I SHOULD HAVE ______
Its shitty not being able to help.
Its romantic like having a cut lip, or a kiss on the street in a cathedral of rubble and carnage all around us.
If you stand back far enough. It feels ok.
For me thought its real close. It is my life. This tube is going to become civilization. Maybe when I look back on all this shit it will all be worth the pain. Life changes quickly. 'I have not suffered like some but I suffer as well.' - Dave Chapelle
There was a time I slept on the second floor of a whore house with my friend not knowing what it was when we got there.
It was a cheap place to stay. The wall was all bombed out and you could see the road below through the cracks in the wall. We found a used condom on the floor under the bed and the toilet dripped and a steady stream of toilet water leaked into the center of the room.
We had not anticipated a solution for all our biking gear that we had brought with us on the boat for 3 months.
We left most our belongings behind in the room to leave on a mail boat from Nassau to Elizabeth Island.
It was a small island off the coast of George Town. The furthest south we could get on any boat leaving from Nassau. Nothing.
Not even people lived on that island.
There was a bar on the far end of the island and after a week we hiked the shoreline at low tide and radioed back to land for a ferry across in a motor boat that the driver claimed once Elvis himself had ridden in.
To a small airport in George Town where we flew back to Nassau with 140 dollars left between the two of us.
They all know but I am sick of being a puppy.
I’m gone mad.
There are so many levels to what I am trying to process and convey, this is either real, a trap, or just all made up from my subconscious.
But for the record, Madeline is very good as dealing with my shit and being supportive to me. Mostly she stays calm. Shits so fucked up right now. I tried to starve myself but it was really hard with her around.
And now the process is complete and were back to attempting to integrate into a community that has pin in its tire. So I guess my new function for this community are, bill paying, Netflix watcher and house attendant.
I am a jump off point for everyone in need of short term assistance, but expected to wait in silence for now, with a person who has her own structure, life plan and most likely will only be here until she can help clean up the mess that was never hers to begin with. At least thats how it looks from where I'm standing.
Then again, what mess are we really talking about?