Fuck you all.
I know love for moments at a a time, pieces of another, through the things and people around me. But yet I can’t talk to them, in this language. I respect all of her. All of them housed inside, but who is the one I truly love? I know and respect them all as their own beings, with their own lives. They have different emotions and tendencies, but come from one driving force. I have love for her on multiple levels and in different ways but at the same time, I see them all as separate people with separate desires and minds that can choose for themselves who they want to be with and what they want to do.
The empty stores, the quiet neighborhoods, the unexplainable explanation of where all my friends have disappeared to. I sit, I wait, I go, when I can. They coyly watch me as I give the white boy nod, the tourist nod, the speed trap cigarette. They stand in the store snickering as if they know something I don’t. I know that they are wasting their lives and lying to themselves. They act like they can hurt me or scare me but they can’t control me, I am not their territory. Govern your life as you see fit and leave me alone.
Why? Because there are other forces at work that keep me safe from you. Their construct is a lie and mine is based on truth. It is not a complete truth but 'practice and enlightenment are not two'. I sacrifice myself on small levels every day every month every year. So fuck you.
Fuck you, all you people that make love impossible, that pretend to be interested in beautiful things just to ruin them. Fuck you, all the people that follow us around hoping to be paid unrealistic sums of money to hurt us. For jobs that will give you nothing but more pain. Maybe you should all try a different approach. Its only a boat or a car. Its not happiness. Money ain’t shit.
I do the worlds bidding while these stupid fucks molest each other in back alleys and bathroom stalls, so they can sing cultish songs and never talk a word about how it all works. They don’t even know how it works, they just want.
Fuck you if you think you can walk around with that smug little look on your face while I have to move from lover to lover to find hope. Fuck you for making my personal life so difficult. Fuck you for making me loose the pieces of my life that were natural for me to experience. I hop from farm to farm, bunker to bunker, running from psychos. The only friends I have put their lives in danger to support me and now you tell me I need to loose my girl to be able to really respect her. Fuck that! Fuck you!
Just because I truly believe that an immaculately conceived child has been planted in someone other than her, doesn't mean we can't love each other. She is the one that has loved me in each breath and been there for me when things were hard. For years. She’s the one who supported me to feel ok writing and talking, the one that has nursed my back to health and taught me how to live as a duo. For what? The ‘reality’ and ethics of the system?I know that something is happening. Something is seriously fucked up in this world and we are trying to help. This is our squad.
It hurts to think I would be leading her to a place where we will inevitably break up… but in that scenario, I would be leading her, which is false because she has her own mind and her own will and I don't lead her anywhere. We walk together. Is she her or is she her? She helps me have a functioning life inside a world that has deprived me of the possibility of finding a partner and prevail in this computer game.
Fuck you for putting me in a position where I feel like I need to hurt people to help people. I respect all the beings. I love them both but they are not the same, at least in this world. I cannot force this delusion on someone else. It is to be seen what happens. Will I become the president or will I sit in squander and loneliness for eternity? I don’t know but I know I need to stand by what I believe even if its totally insane by this worlds standards. I promise you will find gold under the water. It scares me to walk the plank but I will do it because thats what I think is right.
I can’t force someone to love me. Even if they have been immaculately impregnated with my child. Its her body, its her life. But if it is true, I feel like we would need to make space in our home for her as well. We can all find love in what ever way makes sense when and if such a thing were to happen. Maybe it’s reality, maybe it isn’t.
Thats what walking the plank is for me right now. Not knowing.
I just want a family, I don’t want to rule the world. Right now, she makes me happy. When and If things change, we can make adjustments. I put myself out there. Thats what this is. These words are out in the light and she still loves me.
Do you think it is easy to feel the deepness of love that I feel for her? Through your body and through hers? That is not how humans work. Always alone. Then in love. Thats what I am. Maybe someday shit will work out for me but until then save your fucking apathy and jealousy for the rich white fucks that never sleep alone, have toy wives, fuck fancy whores in the sky and utilize their ‘god given’ power to ruin the world.
So fuck you.